


The disappearing detective

by Amrais



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad Juno Steel, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:09:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23283037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amrais/pseuds/Amrais
Summary: Why he left
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Kudos: 12





	The disappearing detective

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, please feel free to point out any mistake!  
> Hope you enjoy!!

Juno feels an unfamiliar warmth just right before he even wakes up. The sudden knowledge of Peter lying next to him makes him shoot his eyes open. There he is, the man of his dreams. Even, greek godlike features, a faintly glowing skin and that smell, that drives him crazy. He is close, so close, too close. Suddenly a strong gag reflex shakes him. This should never had happened. What will Peter expect? That they are together now? Would he want to take him with him? There is no space, in his cramped hole in Hyperion city. Is he expected to give up his job and follow the thief around, like a lost puppy? He needs his job like humans need air to breath. Again he looks at the sleeping body next to him. Sure, Peter is no Angel, no question about that, but he is pure. Not as rotten as Juno is himself. He is certain, that Peter has at least some idea, that Juno is not as confident as he pretends to be, but he knows nothing about the crippling self-hate, that is rooted deep down inside him. All the people he could not save, all who died on his watch are constantly on his mind, blaming him. It is hard to sleep sometimes, hard to eat, to go to work, to stop working. It is easy to drink. Like any cheap Film-Noir Character he likes his whiskey a little too much. Like all of them he is desperate for something, not really knowing what that is. He stretches out his hand, nearly touching Peters forehead, but on the last few millimeters, he holds back, knowing that the pain will intensify if he touches him. If he feels his smooth skin, his body’s warmth, telling him, that this actually is a human being that has offered to hold him, to love him and that he desperately loves back. He wishes that he could feel worthy to love and be loved. But love is an abstract thing, one he knows to hurt even more. More than not to feel at all. He allowed himself one last glance at Nureyev, these long limbs under the thin sheet, beautiful long lashes painting soft shadows on his cheeks. He knows that he could love that man to the end of his days, but Peter could never do the same. Nobody ever could. Not his father, who abandoned the family even before he was born. Not his mother, he’s lucky he survived her. His brother did love him and he couldn’t save him. No girlfriend or boyfriend stayed longer than a few months. Junos demons need too much space, there is never enough space for all of them. This is why he has to go. Because happiness doesn’t last forever, because happiness isn’t for him, because it will just hurt much more later on.  
He drinks in Peters image, his perfect body next to him, he vows to never forget this. This is a moment of happiness and love, but already tainted by his mere presence.  
Carefully he gets up, silently puts on his clothes. A good thing he learned to be silent from early age on. If they don’t know that you’re there, they can not hurt you… Simple rules on how to survive. Never get close to anyone, the most important.  
He deliberately doesn’t look back one last time, if he did, he would stay. The door closes behind him without a sound. 

He sits in a bar, a crystal glass in his hands. It’s fairly dark in here and he is one of the few customers this late at night, or early in the morning, dependent on how you see it. The whiskey is a cheap substitute and it burns his mouth and throat. But that’s just what he needs right now. The sparse lights reflect on his glass and shines on his knuckles, white from holding the glass to thight. Thoughtfully he regards his knuckles, the silvery scars around them. They scream out a truth, that his mouth will never tell. His life is destructive. He is destructive. All these are the reminders of all the times he has punched someone or something. All the times he has hit his friends with no reason at all. All the times he had to fight his way out of a life threatening situation, he so willingly had gotten himself into. All this time he had punched walls out of frustration.  
He thinks about the slightly discolored burn marks, creeping up his left arm. Remains of his teenage years, where he didn’t know what to do with all his anger and pain. Sometimes you have to fight pain with pain. One would just have to look at him closely, to see that he’s toxic. And that’s why he’s leaving for the docks now, trying to catch a ship that leaves this goddamn planet in the next five hours. Peter will understand. 

On the other end of the city the master thief is starting to wake up, smiling, because he knows that his beloved detective is lying next to him. Realizing just a few seconds later, that this time, it’s him who has been robbed. Juno took his heart away.

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe someone liked it. If so please be kind enough to let me know. It would mean a lot to me. Stay home, stay healthy and listen to podcasts ❤️  
> Love  
> Amrais


End file.
